I am to marry
When I first saw him, it was love at first sight. This man from Hinge, who I am to marry.
“Yes sweetie,” I’ll soon say to him when he wakes up, “I added a ‘tiny splash of oat milk and a bit of stevia’ to your coffee, just like it said on your profile.”
“You’re perfect,” he’ll say back to me before pecking me on the cheek, knowing that my ‘love language is personal touch.’
We’d have this little exchange about the oat milk every morning. Well, I guess, not every morning. That would be weird. After a while, we would just both know that I know his coffee order — I wouldn’t need to tell him that I know it, especially because Levi A. enjoys ‘quiet mornings, reading the Wall Street Journal’.
Maybe I’ll only say it in strange circumstances. Like when we’re on vacation. Probably in a mountain range, since we both posted pictures of ourselves hiking.
Perhaps Yellowstone. When we’re downstairs at the Rocky Mountain Coffee Bar. Other couples will be watching us. Specifically, I want a hot straight couple to be watching. I want them to hear me say the thing about the oat milk along with some comment about his Hinge profile. Levi will smile and then the couple will throw up, maybe dying a little inside when they realize how much better our homosexual relationship is than their own.
I wonder if we’ll end up having kids. We can adopt. My cousins did that.
It’s likely we will, as Levi picked ‘wants kids.’ I didn’t select anything for that prompt, but maybe I just don’t know myself as well as he does.
Levi ‘never smokes or drinks’ and seems like one of those people who has an answer for everything.
For example, if you were to run up to him and ask, “What’s the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?”
He’d say, ‘I once bought a one-way flight to Guatemala.’ He’d then pause for dramatic effect, ‘Alone.’
We’ll definitely have dogs. He wants ‘Two labs: Harley and Marley’.
I wonder if that’ll get annoying, though, after we’re married, living in Venice. I’ll be at the park with the dogs. Marley will be playing with another lab, but Harley will be bothering a poodle-mix — probably stealing his ball.
“Harley, NO!” I’ll shout across the park. “DROP IT!” I’ll scream.
And then Harley will look at me, but then so will Marley because their names are so close. And then I’ll feel guilty for yelling and I’ll say something like, “Oh, um…Harley, no more ball! Marley, as you were.”
But that nuance will be lost on them, and then the owner of the poodle will come up to me, wearing Lululemon tights and holding one of those lime green plastic ball throwers in her right hand. She’ll point at me and say, “Handle your dog! That ball is Prixie’s!”
And then I’ll have to figure this out all by myself because Levi won’t be around since he’s a ‘management consultant’ and he’s on-site for clients, ‘traveling for work Mondays-Thursdays.’
Always traveling. Big shot consultant. It’s not like I’m the dumb one in the relationship, but sometimes I feel like I am. Sorry I didn’t get ‘My undergrad at Dartmouth and then my MBA at UCLA - go Bruins!’.
Honestly, I hated how he named the dogs. How fucking stupid. I wouldn’t have given in, but from the get-go I said that I was ‘Easygoing and flexible,’ and he always said he wanted someone who was ‘True to their word.’
But you know what? People change. That’s how life works. Not everyone can be ‘Your perfect someone’. I mean, you’re not exactly ‘Reliable’.
Oh, hello cute Brian who likes ‘Meditation and working from home.’
I have a good feeling about this one, this man from Hinge, who I am to marry.